Depression

Down and depressed. I recognize the feeling having been there many different times in my life. Depression has been my companion, my friend, my enemy, my comfort, and the framework through which I have seen myself most of my life.

I have decided that I want to change. Oh trust me I have decided this many times before and not succeeded. Why haven’t I? Hey, that statement is NOT correct. I have changed but the voices of doubt still come back. I haven’t conquered Depression. What is different for me this time is that I don’t want to conquer it. I want to give it less importance and just move on. I don’t care if I still have these depressive thoughts in my head. That is what they are…thoughts. What will make a difference in my life is actions. I need to take action in my life to be able to take actions to reach out to others. Whoa. Ok. I am getting way ahead of myself. This is how I usually make myself choose not to take action. I go overboard and scare myself with the shear size of what needs to be done and I just curl back up inside myself and confirm that I can’t change my relationship with the all-powerful Depression.

I have decided that I will change. I will work at making changes in my life that will help me become stronger. I will always live with physical pain and have limits on what I can physically do but so what? I can work at pushing my limitations rather than letting them push me down. Depression tells me that “it doesn’t matter what I do, I will still hurt. I will still be defective me. I will still not be able to change my body.” Typically I then maybe make an attempt to exercise and overdo it. I become more sore. I do more. The pain is real. I hurt. I quit. I don’t want to do something that makes me hurt more!! I want to hurt less! I curl back up inside myself and confirm that I can’t change my relationship with my body. I sink back into that relationship with the all-powerful Depression.

Wait!! Hold on a second. Who says Depression has to be so all-powerful? Is it me? Am I making it so powerful? What steps can I make that will make it less so? Can I make it go from being a Thing with a capital letter “D” to just another feeling with a small letter “d”? That is all it is after all, just a feeling. Many other feelings join in and help make it a powerful Thing: sadness, emptiness, loneliness, hatred, isolation and more. A feeling. Something inside of me. What steps can I make to control it? Opps. Control. That is a RED FLAG if ever there was one. Control??? I fear Control. It means restricting what I do or what I think. It is a direct way into failure for me as I always sabotage anything that has to do with Control. I freak inside. Inside I seek comfort from the one part of me that is a constant – my friend Depression. Depression doesn’t care if I don’t fight for control. Depression likes me best when I give free reign to all of my fears about control.

This is what happens when I stay in my head. Better off when I just take a tiny step and do something. And then I do something more…a little something more. Go outside. Sit in the sun for 20 to 30 minutes. Focus on something or someone outside of me.

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Hello world!

Hello World here is my confession: yesterday I overdid.

I exercised in the morning for 10 minutes. Yea me! I will work back up to daily 20 minutes. For now though it is 10 minutes every other day. Then later I went shopping with my husband. We went to the local military base, an hour away, to get my medications and go to the Exchange and the commissary. My husband made several stops on the way which dragged the day out even longer. By the last place of the day, the commissary, my legs were very tired and I was starting to limp. Not good. Two-thirds of the way through my left leg was cramping and my pain level was escalating up to about a 7 or 8. Then it happened. My left foot went into a powerful cramp. Everything suddenly came to a halt. Pain level 9. I stood on one leg trying to nonchalantly rub the cramp out. I wanted to scream. Wow that was painful. So was the rest of our shopping but I did it anyway.

Later, as I lay in bed, I thought about the events of the day. As I reflected I realized that I had set myself up for high pain both for yesterday but for the next several days. How did I do that? First I had not been feeling well for several days so I was unusually tired. Next, I did not drink enough water the day before or while out shopping so I was dehydrated. Last I simply overdid. I know that I can’t stay on my feet for very long and with exercising and then the shopping that went on for hours, it was just simply too much.

Do you ever find that you are trying to do too much? For me my physical self limits what I can do but also seriously limits how much I can do. I get very frustrated with high pain levels despite taking all sorts of medications. I want to be able to feel enhanced by doing my exercises rather than feeling exhausted. Isn’t it supposed to give me energy? Some day maybe. For now I am grateful to be able to still walk without aid. There was a time just several years ago, that I could not do nearly as much as I did yesterday at all, even assisted.

I can walk. I can write. I can see. I can overdo. I did.